Saturday, May 30, 2009

Stress and Frustration

There are quite a few things that are either stressing me out or frustrating me right now. Let's go down the list shall we?

1) My grandfather is dying. He has been in some form or other for years now...but he's now in hospice, unable to swallow and therefore unable to eat, and he has a DNR order that includes no tube feeds and no IV nutrition. My Dad called me earlier today and told me that there was an estimate that he had 12 hours to live (who said this or when it was said I don't know) and that I should stay in Springfield and study etc. and wait to come home until the funeral. I know I need to study, and I know that my grandfather was incredibly proud of my going to medical school and would want me to focus on that...but it doesn't make it any easier.

2) I had my mid-rotation evaluation Friday. I'm doing well for the most part with a current grade of High-Pass. But apparently someone made a comment about my needing to cover up my chest more. I'm bothered by this on a few levels. The way I was given this feedback was rather hurtful, basically implying that I am a faithless, godless hussy who walks around all but topless. I am very self-conscious about my weight and my figure and generally don't show that much in the line of skin because I don't feel very confident about myself and generally have the feeling that no one wants to see that nastiness...so being told that I'm not covering up enough is frustrating. And then there's the part where I have a hard enough time finding clothes that fit, finding out that I am failing to look professional really bothers me. So this feedback has basically left me in the place where I just want to crawl into a hole and cry for a few hours. The ironic part here is that just about all of my friends when I had gotten similar feedback before (from a woman who felt that mini-skirts with fish-nets and 5-inch stilettos were work appropriate) were very emphatic that I dress very professionally and that they couldn't believe I had gotten than feedback.

3) My weight. I started on an OCP (the pill) in January or so...one of the ones where you don't get your period for 3 months. This seemed like a great idea since I tend to get pretty anemic and tired with my period and getting it less frequently would therefore be inherently awesome. Now we all know (well maybe not all of us but it's a well known side-effect) that the pill can cause weight-gain. I've been fighting my weight for years, admittedly unsuccessfully, so it really shouldn't have surprised me that I've gained 15 lbs over the last 5 months...but it's upsetting me nonetheless. This also ties into #2 since my boobs would be smaller if I lost the weight and therefore would not be the issue that they are turning out to be. So I've taken a page out of Alicia's book and joined SparkPeople. I'm hoping the combination of food journalling and quick daily work-out videos will help me have some more success. And then there's the part where I'm gonna come off the pill...because I'd rather get my period than keep getting fatter...and I don't think that's unreasonable.

4) My sock. I started my Show-off socks according to the pattern by CO 65 stitches and just knit happily along...I was just about to the end of the arch-shaping and decided to try them on...I can barely get them on. So they made a visit to the frog pond and I'm going to try again CO 75 stitches and see where that takes me. In the meantime I think I'm going to make a cowl with some nice thick worsted weight yarn...because that's a lot of stitches to rip out.

So yeah...I'm beyond stressed right now...kinda tearful...and struggling to concentrate on studying. I really just need this week/month to be over. Hope you're all doing better that I am! Happy knitting!

1 comment:

ponyknit said...

::MUAH::
1. Call me if you need anything.
2. I don't get that woman. You never would dress unprofessionally. Obviously I'd be super cautious, but I'm sure nothing your wearing is scandalous. Maybe she needs a mirror.
3. I thought that OCP was initial weight gain, but maybed I'm wrong. If I'm right, then I wouldn't worry about it and stay on it. Please friend me on SparkPeople! I LOVE it. Send any questions along.
4. ::HUGS:: rrrribbit It was so pretty.

Study good. Love you. It always helps me to get things out, I'm glad to hear it helped you to write about it.